caught up in the flow of life

hello again! lots to update since my last post. I have far from forgotten about this site. it is constantly in the back of my mind, despite the lack of updates. instead of making lots of posts and pretty pages on here, life decided it was its turn to take the wheel.

so... biggest updates. i can drive myself places freely now. i live all by myself in a (mostly) killer apartment with a (mostly) killer view. by all accounts, my life is way better than i could have imagined it being when about a year ago I [REDACTED]. im at (or approaching? i dont remember specifics) my lowest weight since i ballooned in weight in high school.

all in all, things are good. mostly. im figuring out all of the adult stuff at the age of 25. in a lot of senses i still feel about 3 years younger than everyone else though, given COVID-19 and being chronically ill for years prior to the pandemic. i plan on writing about some of those times in another post, its one of the many things ive had on the back burner since i thought about creating this site. late 2019-March 2020 is one of the most crucial time periods of my life, a lot for the better i think. i certainly wouldnt be typing this had i not experience the bliss those times gave me

in a lot of senses, it feels like this year is mirroring a lot of that era of my life. and as much bliss as that brings me, it scares the shit out of me. the world seems to be falling apart at an accelerated pace exactly like that time did. others seem to be feeling that unexplainable dread too. i think im at the acceptance phase of whatever this feeling is. collapse? death??? not suicidal in the least, to be clear. its easy for me to say i feel acceptance that bad times are coming when I dont even know how bad things will actually be. im not sure what rights i or my comrades will have given a year from now, even if we manage to slow the descent here in the states. medication i may need to survive may be taken from me because kill a kid if i chose to have one. i really despise this cycle that keeps appearing in my life. i only ever get very miniscule moments of "hey. you are a person of capable things, youve done some things that prove that. deep down, you seem to be pretty cool. here's the life you've been missing, and so desperately wanted to experience when you were locked in your cage". and then... apocalypse hits. and by all accounts, it seems that's happening again. i know my life probably won't be long thanks to that, but please God. Is it really too much for me to ask for a year? Just one year of not being restricted by anybody but myself? no family, medical conditions, nothing. ah well, not much comes from my maladaptive daydreaming of the what-could-have-beens, ive done enough of that for a lifetime. if a few months is all we've got, then may as well spend that living real experiences! i consider working on this site to be amongst them. and who knows, the "NOTHING EVER HAPPENS (to America)" mantra still seems to be holding strong. maybe nothing will actually happen, maybe this is just a trauma response from this happening to me so many times. i can only hope at this point.

anyways, besides figuring out the intricacies of how adulthood works, working on my mental health has also been a big reason why i havent posted. im still figuring out what should be posted here, and what's best left for my journaling. i was working on one post about [REDACTED]. still debating on if thats something thats good for the public to see. very vagueposty, i know. if i ever post it, youll see what i mean by that. regardless, it took up a lot of space in my brain, and a lot of time spent working on it that could have been spent working on things that would have otherwise been finished by now (like the glow-up i gave my pages! ;D ).

i'll see if life throws any further curveballs, but i think i will be posting here a lot more often while i still have the drive in my heart to do so. i am planning on posts like this (non-specific life updates) to help measure my general progress for both myself and you. i think its neat. but i also just wanna write quick stuff about things ive watched/played/finished/etc. while i figure out how to complete my bigger projects i wanna share with you all. anyways, see ya when i see ya!

--crystola--